The Phoenix Rising Collective

February 20, 2014
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The Phoenix Book of the Week: Warning Signs: What every woman should know – a dating guide by Danielle E. Ward

warning_signs_book_of_the_week[phoenixrisingcollective]

Our Phoenix Book of the Week Pick comes from Danielle.

Warning Signs: What every woman should know – a dating guide

One of my favorite books is Warning Signs: What every woman should know — a dating guide, by Danielle E. Ward. This book just happens to be one I wrote, but my reasons for selecting it extend beyond the surface.

Warning Signs is the kind of book that reads like you’re sitting with your best girlfriend having a heart-to-heart. Just like your sister-friend, this book holds you accountable for your actions and makes you really think about the choices you make when dating. At the same time, it gives you that extra boost of confidence to do what’s necessary to get what you need and desire out of your relationships.

Having the book broken down based on traffic lights helps you see exactly where your relationship is and better determine its direction.

Warning Signs made me squirm sometimes, because I had to acknowledge my own behaviors and patterns in dating. I remember asking a guy I knew to read it, and he got to one part and said, “You don’t do that.” Ouch. It was time to make some changes.

From an author standpoint, writing Warning Signs was like being in an airplane that’s losing air pressure: I needed to put on my own oxygen mask and save myself before I could help anyone else survive. I couldn’t share tips with women that I wasn’t following myself.

This book helped me get off the fence in several areas of my life and be clear and unwavering about what I wanted out of my dating relationships. It also helped me clear away dead friendships and relationships and be open to meeting new people who truly valued me. Most importantly, Warning Signs reminded me that I am a work in progress and that’s okay.

71soHjIormL._SL1500_ Like the book states, “Marriage is for mature, responsible people.” We need to “heal and deal” — heal from past hurts and deal with the baggage we brought from previous relationships in order to be ready to move forward.

My hope is that women who read Warning Signs will take the time to do an honest assessment of where they are in their relationships and why. Using that information, I envision lives transformed as women leave unhealthy relationships behind and fill up their own love tank. This will help position them for a relationship that complements them and allows them to be content enjoying their own company in the meantime.

Warning Signs is available for purchase in all formats. Ten percent of the annual proceeds support survivors of domestic violence.

For more information about the book and the author, visit Warning Signs. You may also follow her on Facebook.

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About The Phoenix Book of the Week:

The Phoenix Book of the Week features book recommendations from The Phoenix Rising Collective, as well as the empowered women who support us. We’ll be sharing our thoughts on books that have been powerful resources for sustaining healthy self-esteem, creating emotional and spiritual wellness, and committing to intentional living. We’ll also share our personal stories about how and why the books have inspired personal growth and sparked “light bulb moments” that changed our lives in some way. The book picks may cover a wide range of topics from diverse genres.

Interested in sharing a book with us? Please click here to send your request for more details on submitting a book entry.

February 18, 2014
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How to Embrace Living Outside Your Comfort Zone to Create the Life You Really Want – An Artist’s Point of View

I have incessantly pondered how to begin this first 2014 article. What do I want to share with the readers this year on the subject of Art and Creativity? And how can I link this subject to The PRC’s theme “Balance”?

Let’s begin with a definition of balance. According to Dictionary.com, balance means “a state of equilibrium; mental steadiness or emotional stability.” According to Traci Currie, balance also means recognizing the yin and yang in one’s life in order to help understand and explore the beautiful complexities that make life worth living. I don’t blame any reader for asking, “What in the world are you talking about? Yin and Yang. Really, TC?” And my response is YES! I am talking about the opposing forces that need each other to help create balance. For example, I am both comfortable and uncomfortable in the mental and physical space I presently inhabit. The opposition lies in living out my discomfort but also creating ease in my day-to-day routine.

You might wonder why life is uncomfortable for me these days. Well, I am on an unpaid leave-of-absence from work. I do not have insurance. I do not have my own home (as I once did). I no longer have a vehicle I can jump into and drive anywhere and everywhere; I am more dependent on people than I have ever been in my life. And believe you-me, I am a very independent person. Now, let’s look at the other side – what makes life comfortable? I have a warm place to lay my head every night. I am fed every single day. If there is an emergency I have loved ones who will help me. Most of all, I am faith driven. In other words, although I may not have the answers to my questions and concerns right now, I know or believe that the questions/concerns I have will be answered in due time.

Art and Creativity’s Connection to Life Outside the Comfort Zone

Now what does being uncomfortable have to do with being creative and artistic? Everything. At the end of 2013 I asked Discomfort to be my friend instead of my enemy or my phobia-driven antagonist. Discomfort replied, “Sure thing, TC. But I require something of you.” My response, “What do you want from me?” Discomfort’s response, “Trust. Walk with me all the way to the end of this journey and do not give up – no matter how uncomfortable it gets. Just find a way to keep going.” Finding a way to move through situations means I have to be creative and quite the artist. And guess what? I’m up for the challenge! After all, Discomfort and I are friends, and the great thing about an honest friendship is that you have the opportunity to learn each other and grow together.

So, this year I have sought out other artists who have impacted my life. Some of them are friends; some of them are people I have never met but read about or listened to; some of them have passed on and some have yet to be found. Although they come in different shades, ages and gender, I am focusing on women of color for my articles. In addition, I have also decided to rethink what art is and what it looks like to both the world (that’s a pretty big audience) and to me. In essence, I hope to broaden the understanding (mine and yours) of Art and Creativity.

Throughout the year I will talk to various women artists about balance and what that means to them. But most importantly I will link their responses to my life so that there is a connection as to why I have chosen them for each article. I will not focus every month on a specific artist but I will always focus on the theme, balance, which is why I am calling this, “A Year of Symmetry: Creatively Finding Balance from the Artisan.” I specifically use the word artisan because it often defines a craftsperson or someone skilled in the applied arts. Not everyone is deemed an artisan. I have learned that artisans study their craft and most often become the craft itself – which leads me to my first artist or more appropriately named, Artisan.

The Unconventional Artisan: Carol

For February I have chosen to be a bit unconventional by featuring my mother. What’s unconventional about that? Well, she does not like being in the public eye. Putting her in the spotlight is uncomfortable. Moreover, people might argue my calling her an artisan, but hear me out, and consider her story:

Carol is a teacher. OK, actually she is a retired computer programmer, and she presently substitutes three days per week at a bilingual elementary school. Most of the students know her quite well and she is well-loved by some of the teachers and students. I am not just saying this because she told me or because she is my mother. I actually witnessed it. I visited the school and watched her in class this past January. I also watched her interaction with various teachers and administrators who made it their business to tell me how much they love her. She is an artist. She has a way with children that many of us WISH we had.

My mother has a rhythm in her Caribbean voice that is assertive, vibrant, and peaceful. For example, a fifth grade boy was getting smart with her. I held my breath for a moment wondering how this was going to play out. She said something to him calmly and walked away. He seemed to annoyingly fiddle around on the computer. He even looked at me once as if he wanted to take me down. She went back to his computer and talked to him again. Before I could blink he agreed with whatever she said and willingly completed his work. Now, I know this is a general example because the question one might have is “What did they say to each other?” For me, it was less about what was said and more about what she showed him – a teacher’s heart, wisdom, and skills. How is this art? Well, I have learned over the years that a good teacher isn’t just someone who gives you information and walks away. A good teacher, in many cases, is a performer. We perform for our students and find ways to make the material interesting, understandable, sometimes creative, and relevant to their lives. And as a performer we find ways to improve our performance for our audience. My best teacher was a statistics professor. STATISTICS?! (For those of you who loathe anything numerical). He made stats look like poetry because he LOVED the subject so much that you had no other choice but to enjoy it as much as he did. He cracked jokes, offered personal anecdotes, even acted out a few scenarios with numbers. And to think, I was told that this professor disliked women and Black people, which meant I was out for the count! But aha, I came out of that class with an A (or A-) because he taught me poetry with numbers. What am I saying about my mother and/or teachers? My mother does more than substitute-teach. She teaches these students with hugs, with words of encouragement, with the obvious technical instruction, and most of all, with love.

All the artisans I know, no matter what they profess as their occupation, are called by this rightful name because they know how to find the artistry in what they do. And even when the work becomes frustrating and uncomfortable they somehow embrace the challenge as a part of the road map they have been given to find their way to their appointed destination. Again, it’s a part of life. It’s what makes life worth living.

What have I learned from her? The question that I really should ask is “What haven’t I learned from her?” I now know that I teach because it is an art form that I can wheel and deal and reshape every time I step into the classroom. But then again, everywhere I go seems to afford me the opportunity to be a teacher and a student, which means ART is always at my feet. So, here’s to an artisan that knows her craft as well as she knows herself. And make no mistake, Carol knows herself well. If you need proof, simply look at what she has produced – ME!

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About the Contributing Writer:

Traci Currie is the Art + Creativity contributor for The Phoenix Rising Collective. She is a Communication and Visual Arts lecturer at University of Michigan-Flint, as well as a knit-crochet artist, writer, and spoken word performer. She has been a part of the art world for over 15 years as an art gallery board member; spoken word series organizer; performer, nationally and internationally; and published poet. Read her latest posts here.

February 11, 2014
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The Phoenix Book of the Week: Trust Your Vibes by Sonia Choquette

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Our Phoenix Book of the Week Pick comes from Angela:

Trust Your Vibes: Secret Tools for Six-Sensory Living by Sonia Choquette

At the time of purchasing Trust Your Vibes by Sonia Choquette I was feeling a bit overwhelmed in many areas of my life, especially my career. Although my intentions were good, I had made a terrible mistake. Had I listened to what my heart was saying (that is my intuition) I would not have ended up in the crisis I thought I was in. Thankfully the universe opened itself to me, sending what I needed at the very moment I needed it. In other words, this book appeared! The title alone drew me in, and it’s one of my top five favorite books of all time.

I have to admit, I felt that I was a pretty “conscious” woman prior to buying the book, but after reading the first few pages I soon realized that although I am spiritually aware, I wasn’t listening to my inner teacher or inner voice. The content of Trust Your Vibes is much more complex than explaining what to do when your inner voice speaks to you and whether or not you take heed, it’s all about living at a higher frequency. I realized that my intuition is direct contact with my divine nature and that supersedes intellect. For example, as a child I felt there was always something more, something bigger; however, I thought that “something” was outside of me. Choquette reveals that it is our sixth sense, and it is definitely not outside of us.

She also explains how to create a beautiful, peaceful, and bountiful life by simply doing two things: (1) being clear on your intentions, and (2) being present!

One of the main lessons that resonated with me from the book is that using your intuition is essential and not optional in today’s world. If you’re seeking true happiness, success, joy, peace, or authenticity then you must begin with your sixth sense, your best sense – your intuition.

After reading Trust Your Vibes several times, I understand that the best way to rely upon my “vibes”, “gut”, or intuition – whatever you choose to call it – means to live with intention.

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About The Phoenix Book of the Week:

Interested in sharing a book with us? Please click here to send your request for more details on submitting a book entry.

February 7, 2014
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5 Practical Ways to Stay Grounded and Get to Happy (Yes, saying no is one of them!)

We’re not sure if there’s a concrete definition for balance, but we know that a huge part of it is self-love. We know that it involves honoring yourself as you take on that long list of To-Dos…or To-Don’ts. Because really, we shouldn’t be cultivating our twerk instead of writing that three-page response paper due in four hours—or should we? But, seriously—honor yourself in everything that you do. That means getting to know yourself, recognizing and voicing your limits, and knowing when to say no and when to say yes.

As a way to illustrate how we achieve and try to maintain balance, we’ve decided to share stories from our lives during graduate school, which basically never stops happening until it stops happening. Let us explain:

Aisha – Learning to Balance Graduate School and the Rest of My Life

I have to admit that learning to balance surviving graduate school with the rest of my life has been very difficult. At times I have felt completely overwhelmed – trapped “between a rock and a hard place” – by things like my homework, research, community involvement; and being a daughter, sister, friend, colleague, and girlfriend (whew, even that list was exhausting). I think that this year in particular my feelings of being overwhelmed have come to a head as I have really begun to feel like a fish out of water in this graduate school environment. I often find myself needing to sit down and regroup. When I do make the time to do this, I reflect upon a few lessons I have picked up along the way – and these things help to ground me.

1. Learn to Say No

One of the most useful lessons in balance that I have learned is to say no. As cliché as this sounds, for a person like me who can tend toward people-pleasing, it is very difficult to say no to tasks, especially ones I would enjoy if I wasn’t busy with other things. Often I would find myself looking at my calendar for the coming week and wondering how I committed to so many activities. I would push myself through that overbooked week, skipping out on sleep and self-care, and would end up regretting doing things that normally would have made me feel pretty good. Once I finally came to terms with the fact that this is what I was doing, I resolved (with some help from a trusted mentor) to just start saying no. As much as I want to be able to do everything and to help everyone, I have had to come to terms with the fact that this is not a real thing. I’ve had to learn self-preservation above all else. Don’t get me wrong though, saying no to people can be hard – but people who care about you will understand.

2. Celebrate Your Small Victories

Another lesson I’ve learned is the importance of celebrating small victories. Almost nothing I do in graduate school is something that can be started and completed in an hour, and that sometimes makes me feel completely unproductive. What I have begun to do is make my goals on my to-do list smaller. I’ve broken down bigger tasks into smaller tasks so that when the smaller tasks are finished I can celebrate them. This completely solved my issue of feeling unproductive. That in itself has been a huge victory for me.

Simone – Honoring How You Feel to Achieve the Balance You Deserve

Balancing is so damn hard to do sometimes, y’all. Often, I have to tell myself, “Simone, do not work on that assignment until you sit down for a bit. And yes, drink that glass of wine later.” As Aisha pointed out, graduate school can be exhausting and rewarding all at the same time. I used to think that a successful day in graduate school was all about quantity. However, between last semester and writing my intentions for the New Year, I discovered that a successful day is actually about improving your quality of life. It means that I do what I can without compromising or hurting myself. And of course, if I slip up and drink that glass of wine before noon, I know that I always have tomorrow. I think that honoring yourself is a beautiful process that will help you achieve the balance you deserve.

1. Establish a Daily Routine

Not too long ago, I used to sleep until I had only an hour and a half to be on campus. Sometimes, that meant skipping breakfast to get some extra sleep. Consequently, my energy levels were low and I had to force myself to check items off my To-Do list. That type of life became too tough for me to handle, so I decided to make some changes. Now, I give myself enough time to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, exercise, and do some personal reading and writing/prayer. This morning routine really helps me enjoy my day. I feel happy about going to school and work. I also feel energized all day long! Except today—I need a nap.

But, speaking of all day long, I often find that I have a lot of tasks and a bunch of deadlines. Just like you all, my friends want to drink wine all the time and my students want me to give them a detailed list of what they missed in class this morning, but, um, no. Similar to Aisha, for the sake of self-preservation, I’ve learned to say no to things I don’t want to do. And, I say it unapologetically.

You do not have to apologize or provide a reason for not doing something. Your time is your time, and you should be careful with it. Spend it doing things that you love and spend it in a way that will help you love and live life to the fullest!

2. Commit to Healthier Lifestyle Choices

In addition to prioritizing my time, I’ve learned to create a healthy lifestyle. For me, this means making sure that my personal life is in check. A few weeks ago, I fainted at the gym because I did not have enough water that morning. I learned my lesson as soon as I hit that floor! Eating/drinking well and enough has become really important to my life over the last few years. Eating/drinking well and enough not only keeps me on my feet in the weight room; this personal task helps me become the best Simone. You can bet that I have water and snacks with me at all times now!

3. Practice Gratitude

Lastly, Aisha mentioned the importance of celebrating small victories. I, too, have learned to tell myself, “Great job, girl!” I find that this pushes me to complete more tasks. Oh, after that nap, of course! I like celebrating my achievements, so I balance my life in a way that allows me to achieve the things I want and need at my own pace. I break my To-Do list into chunks so that I feel a lot more productive. Additionally, at night I thank the Creator for everything that I did and everything I didn’t do, and I journal about what made me feel good. Knowing that there are things to be thankful for and that I can feel good everyday motivates me to maintain balance. I think that it is the key to feeling and doing your best.

So, now that we’ve given you the scoop on how we twerk this high up, let us know what you do to achieve and maintain balance. What does a healthy/happy and productive day look like for you?

In the spirit of New Year’s resolutions and intentions, we want to invite you on our journey toward balance and self-love. To begin, try creating a new routine. Make a list of your limits and create boundaries. If you don’t want to talk about work at home, honor that. If you feel like you need some time to diddle your skittle or spend some time with your significant other, “Go ‘head, girl!” You’re the timekeeper.

Again, let us know how you’re performing that great balancing act! We’d love for you to share your secrets for staying grounded and getting to happy!

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About the Contributing Writers:

Simone Savannah is an English instructor and contributing writer for the Project on the History of Black Writing at the University of Kansas. She is currently pursuing a PhD in English-Creative Writing and Women, Gender, & Sexuality Studies. Her poetry is based on personal experiences she can’t let go—imagined or otherwise. Simone also enjoys making green smoothies, attending Bikram Yoga classes, and laughing uncontrollably. Simone is teaming with Aisha (read about her below) to bring you a unique take on Life + Style.

Aisha Upton is a second-year PhD student at the University of Pittsburgh, studying Sociology and Women’s Studies. Her research interests include Black women in service organizations and violence against Black women. She is passionate about many things including community service, lipstick, baking, thrifting, knitting, and being a proud owner of a Cockapoo, Napoleon. At the intersection of being a diligent student, a fashionista, and an activist – you will find Aisha, attempting to find a balance. Be sure to read Aisha + Simone’s unique take on Life + Style and the importance of letting who you are shine through when defining your personal style.

January 27, 2014
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Balancing Balance: 6 Things Mothers Should Know to Actively Maintain It

Simply seek happiness, and you are not likely to find it. Seek to create and love without regard to your happiness, and you are likely to be happy much of the time. Dr. M. Scott Peck

There appears to be A LOT of discussion around the notion of seeking balance, maintaining balance, mastering balance, balancing balance, and so on. Having convinced myself that I, too, need to somehow master this concept, it often feels quite lofty, unobtainable, and completely impossible for me at times – even after several cups of my Goddess Brew.

At other moments I feel that I’m the closest to personal perfection, and I have transcended my limited human capacity to the realm of a supernatural fifth dimension being. Then reality strikes back like Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, and I’m Anakin Skywalker being seduced by the dark and evil Force of imbalance – an absolute failure at living up to the greatest version of the grandest vision I hold for myself. After this mental, emotional, and spiritual war of the worlds has consumed me for a couple of weeks, I find myself starting over again, bringing me to my present “ah-ha” moment of clarity.

#TeamTooMuch

Having entered a new year, with new goals, and new ideas, I’ve committed to one, I repeat, one approach that will assist me in accomplishing balance as I wish to fully and practically experience it. But, before I delve into that, let me say that I had to be fully honest with myself in recognizing that my thoughts and actions towards living a balanced lifestyle were and are in a constant state of flux (which is totally okay, by the way).

I’ve come to realize this ebb and flow is inevitable because many days, weeks, and months, I’m in different and varying spaces emotionally, mentally, and sometimes spiritually. Why am all over the darn place, you may ask? I even ask myself that question. The answer is; because I am growing up and I am growing out. Yup, that’s it! I’m maturing, shape-shifting, metamorphosing, transforming, and awakening into the womyn (spelled this way intentionally) whose self-actualization process in mastering a balanced lifestyle is more complex than “taking the much needed ‘me-time’” I suggested in a previous article. Although taking the time for self is an extremely important component to any major lifestyle adjustment, striking a balance and envisioning precisely how that will look in our individual lives will change depending upon our deepest needs and desires.

Out With the Old, In With the New

As we mature, and also come into full authentic beings, certain things simply no longer belong or reflect our trajectory. Case in point, at 22 years old I could pull an all-night study session, sleep three to four hours, and ace the exam the next day. At 32, I look like Ricky Raccoon with anything less than seven to eight hours of unbroken sleep. Or, every New Year’s Eve for the past several years I passionately looked forward to hanging with my best friends at the club dancing the night away. NYE 2014, I spent a relaxing evening with my mother watching The Butler on DVD and eating popcorn while my four year-old son played with his new train collection on the floor. The list goes on. For example, the morning meditation sessions I deeply needed six months ago were well suited for me during that time. Now I’ve found that an evening meditation with an accompanied journal reflection is more conducive to the place I’m in spiritually. Last, but definitely not least, yoga practices (ranging from Bikram to Vinyasa) were key exercises incorporated into my weekly routine throughout 2013, as I was yearning for inner strength and peace. However at the dawn of 2014, I’ve committed to the 30-day squat and plank challenge to push myself beyond my current physical capabilities.

This is not to say I’ve reached nirvana and no longer have a use for yoga and its amazing benefits. This modification in my exercise regimen is an attempt to align my core inner and outer strengths. So, it’s only befitting that throughout the rest of this lifetime, I progress and surpass the “me” of yesteryear or yesterday whenever I’m moved to do so, according to my deepest needs and desires. Thus, a balanced lifestyle will look and feel different at each crossroad.

Redefining Balance in Your Life

I have a renewed vision and shift in thought consciousness that focuses primarily on the power of recreating my reality and re-presenting myself anew. This is the approach I was referencing earlier. In doing so I’m able to:

Recognize and embrace the goodness in all things and everyone as God’s perfect creations.
Take full ownership of my life being exactly how I choose it to be.
Cultivate the courage to be vulnerable.
Be creative and love without attachment and expectation.
Relinquish fear and feelings of lack.
Accept abundance in all areas of my life.

Freedom, love, and prosperity are my themes for this year. I’ve placed strong intention on having my thoughts, behaviors, and daily manifestations in direct alignment with one another. My current state of balance during the week is 35/40/25. I dedicate 35% of my week to myself, 40% of my week to my family, and 25% to my current job. This could (and I’m sure WILL) look different in a few months.

The Balance Challenge

Mothers, my challenge for you this year, this month, this day, and this moment;

Redefine the idea of balance you’ve previously held for yourself. Dig deep to assess what a new balanced lifestyle will look and feel like as you ponder your true needs and desires in your current state. Think about what may have worked for you two weeks, two months, or two years ago that doesn’t fully resonate with where or what you’re working towards presently.
Then set your intention on what you truly wish to see manifest each day – Yes, each day in your life!
From this point, uncover what is necessary to rebuild and recreate the scales to fit your current lifestyle thus re-presenting a “new” you.
Actively work towards maintaining your renewed state of balance and be willing to make the adjustments as often as needed. Please DO NOT harshly judge yourself in the process.
Remember, where you are, is exactly where you need to BE! But, you can always choose to be somewhere else.
Lastly, if you have some free time, check out some of my favorite authors/life coaches/Buddhist Monks/bestselling writers whose work covers subjects and topics related to content in this article; Neale D. Walsch, Brene Brown, Thich Naht Hahn, and Paulo Coehlo to name a few.

Peace and Bountiful Blessings Sistren! Until next month…

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About the Author:

W. KaNeesha Allen is the Motherhood Empowerment contributor for The Phoenix Rising Collective. She is an educator with extensive project management, student support services, and community outreach experience in K-12 and higher education institutions. She is also the mother of two extremely rambunctious and fun loving boys – Ausar and Mikah. Seeking to master the balance between being a highly engaged mother and taking time to BE with herself in the divine energy of the universe, KaNeesha finds peace, solace, and regeneration through meditation, Vinyasa yoga, and her “Sistah Circle”. She welcomes mothers from everywhere to join her on a journey of self-discovery and evolution towards harnessing, embodying, and emoting the Goddess power within.

January 3, 2014
by The Phoenix Rising Collective Leave a comment

Affirmation of the Day: Financial Prosperity

AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY: Financial Prosperity

A consistent and steady stream of income flows to me in expected and unexpected ways, and satisfies my needs and wants. I am open to and grateful for financial prosperity.

Breathe. Happy Friday.

January 2, 2014
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 2 Comments

Happy 2014 from The PRC: What’s Your Word for the Year?

We are very excited about the new year because we’ve got a lot more inspiring articles, programs, and series in store for you. Our word, our theme for 2014 is BALANCE. Women are responsible for and juggle a multitude of things with our families, careers, communities, and of course, ourselves. So, the question becomes, “How do we create balance so that we are happy and healthy?”

Our goal is to tackle this topic with care so that we empower women to intentionally make balance a part of the daily routine. Our contributing writers will share their experiences on aspects of maintaining balance, as well as provide some insight on what to do when things are totally out of alignment and we need to come “back to the middle,” as India Arie so beautifully sings.

What is your word for 2014? What area of your life are you consciously making an effort to strengthen? What are you giving your full attention for positive self-growth? Patience? Focus? Health? Love? Happiness? Whatever your word is this year, make The PRC a space for getting the support, encouragement, and of course, inspiration, you need to keep moving forward throughout the journey.

Lastly, did you notice our new look? This is our way of starting fresh, thanking the awesome women who’ve participated in bringing our mission to life, and showing our supporters that The Phoenix Rising Collective represents real women doing extraordinary things!

Let’s continue being self-love in action. Happy 2014.

December 24, 2013
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 1 Comment

Self-Love Tip for the Holidays: Release All Expectation

I let go and the universe lovingly takes care of me. -Ayanna M. Jordan

During this time of the year many of us start putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the ones we love. Getting stuck on what we THINK our holidays should look like will rob us of the beautiful, meaningful moments that ARE happening.

Let’s give ourselves and our family and friends a break by letting go of “would have, should have, and could have.” Instead, recognize and concentrate on what IS bringing joy, and put more energy into that. Take a deep breath and release all expectation. Enjoy the season.

Happy Holidays! Be Self-Love in Action.

Photo: Sun Kissed – Sabriya Simon Photography

December 17, 2013
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 1 Comment

Self-Love Tip of the Day: Set Intentional Goals for Your Life

SELF-LOVE TIP OF THE DAY: Set Intentional Goals for Your Life

Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction…the new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals. -Melody Beattie

How are you preparing for 2014? Have you written your goals for the new year? What about creating a vision board? Writing and visualizing what you want is an important part of intentional living – healthy steps toward creating the happiness you desire! Make time for positive practices that help manifest the experiences you deserve to have.

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EXTRA TIP: Plan a Vision Board Brunch. Invite your closest sister-friend(s), one or two, over for a good meal. Pull out the old magazines and get creative! Share your thoughts about what you want for 2014 and commit to supporting one another throughout the year.

Happy Tuesday. Be self-love in action!

Want more on goal-setting and making positive change? Read this article from Simone and Aisha, our Life + Style contributors.

December 16, 2013
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 1 Comment

Bouncing Back After Baby: Learning and Loving the Skin You’re In

“Beauty is present in all creation, but the danger lies in the fact that, because we human beings are often cut off from the Divine Energy, we allow ourselves to be influenced by what other people think. We deny our own beauty because others can’t or won’t recognise it. Instead of accepting ourselves as we are, we try to imitate what we see around us.” – Paulo Coelho

It has been said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. My response to this statement has always been, “Well, it depends on what or who I’m trying to imitate and why.” What is the intention behind contemplating imitation in whatever form(s) it may manifest? What do I stand to gain, if anything? How much of myself will I potentially lose and/or sacrifice?

Through my personal experiences and observations, I’ve witnessed some women, particularly mothers, and more specifically mothers who are of color, attempting to imitate the images defined as beautiful by mainstream American and European cultures. The images painted are very vivid and could lead us to believe that there is a one-size fits all model for our bodies and what they should look like in general, moreover, what they should look like after 10 months (yes, I said 10 months after pregnancy) and a year or two of breastfeeding.

I’ll examine our conditioned thought processes around what our bodies should and/or should not look like post-pregnancy, as the post-pregnancy time frame can range from six months to six years after childbirth. I’ll also travel briefly through history exploring the journey of a specific woman of color and how her life experiences largely contributed to western cultural misconceptions about our bodies. Lastly, I want to offer some recommendations that could shift our views about our bodies and help us learn to fully love the skin we’re in!

Hottentot Venus

Having extensively studied Cultural Anthropology in undergrad, I’m an advocate for the ‘Out of Africa’ theory. This theory simply posits that human life originated in the region currently known as Africa. Thus, many of the people who were and are born in this region have distinct physical features that may help to distinguish the specific area/country they are from. One of the key features for many people born in this region of the world (especially those located south of the equator) is brown to dark brown skin complexion. Furthermore, a key feature of some of the brown to dark brown skin women from southern parts of Africa are broad noses, thick and full lips, tightly curled hair, wide hips, medium to largely rounded buttocks, and medium to large breasts that may or may not appear less perky or “sag” before or after childbirth.

At the point that European colonists “explored” various countries in Africa during the 1400s – 1900s, the physical characteristics of many women as described above were of vast interest to them. So much in fact, a Khoikhoi woman of color and mother named Saartjie “Sara” Baartman, from what is now known as Eastern Cape, South Africa, became a spectacle on exhibition throughout London and France during the early 1800s. Saartjie, who became known as “Hottentot Venus,” possessed a dark skin complexion, thick lips, tightly coiled hair, and a natural full figured physical structure. Her size could be comparable to a modern-day woman wearing a size 16. Apparently, this was something these Europeans had never seen so they coerced her into involuntary servitude. This form of slavery was for the primary purpose of marauding Saartjie’s body in caged environments that also showcased other “oddities” and “animals” for public viewing. Saartjie’s treatment during her tenure in Europe was less than that of a zoo animal. The intention was to convince themselves of racial superiority; and more specifically in this case, to convey that African women’s bodies were naturally of lesser human value – primitive and animalistic.

After Saartijie’s death at the young age of 26 in 1816, her remains were dissected. Her brains and vagina were pickled and placed in jars, and a plaster cast of her body was displayed in the Musee del’Homme (Museum of Man) in France until 1971.

No, you’re right. You didn’t ask for a history lesson; however, highlighting the tragic story of Saartjie Baartman is important to understanding the ideological framework behind her inhumane treatment, and is central to recognizing that we are still being delivered the same exploitative, unrealistic messages about our bodies; furthermore, within these messages lies the idea that we are somehow abnormal.

Redefining Beautiful

Take a moment and think about the last time you watched TV. As you very impatiently waited for Liv and Fitz’s next scene to continue on Scandal, you were hit with at least five different commercials telling you to nip, tuck, pluck, straighten, lighten, lose, cover up, conceal, brighten, whiten, leave in, take out, and permanently say goodbye to SOME part of your body. This message was more than likely presented to you by someone that physically did not look like you, obviously doesn’t wear your size, has no visible stretch marks after claiming to have given birth to two or more children, and apparently has A LOT of time on her hands.

Similar to Saartjie Baartman, the divine essence of who we are as mothers and women of color with distinct physical features is rarely embraced and portrayed as naturally beautiful. Instead there is a great imbalance within American culture and mainstream media depicting us as exotic, hypersexualized, long-haired, weave-wearing, big breast and big booty divas – when the reality is that our physical beauty ranges in all shapes, sizes, skin complexions, hair textures, and facial features.

So, when we learn stories about women like Saartjie Baartman, we must honor her legacy by drawing upon her strength when our inner struggles with our post-baby bodies get the best of us. We can challenge the images that suggest we subscribe to insane workout plans and diet regimens to lose the extra 10 to 15 (or even 20 pounds) that may have been gained during pregnancy.

By deeply looking within and truly accepting the inherent beauty present in ourselves as vessels created to carry life, we will realize that there is no need for imitation or replication. There is only room for extending ourselves grace, for remaining patient with our natural physical changes and transitions after child birth, and for doing the best we can to maintain healthy balanced lifestyles.

Pregnancy Facts

So, let’s quickly recall the key facts we learn from our doctors, as well as books about what an average healthy pregnant woman “should” look like:

Expect to gain minimally 25 pounds which is comprised mostly of fluid and actual weight of the baby.
Eat healthy balanced meals during pregnancy and try to maintain an active lifestyle which could possibly facilitate an easy pregnancy and labor.
Moisturize the belly with cocoa or shea butter to prevent stretch marks.
Breasts will begin to swell from milk production primarily during the third trimester.
Breast feeding after childbirth for up to six months to a year will help the uterus contract and return to its pre-pregnancy size as well as help burn calories encouraging weight loss.

My reality looked like this during my pregnancies:

I gained an average of 45 pounds between both pregnancies because I ate everything in sight!
I was not very physically active before pregnancy, so I was not intrinsically motivated to become more active during or after pregnancy.
I breast fed both of my boys for two years (don’t judge me). I returned to my pregnancy size after having my first son. I was in my early 20s, not fully into a career, had more free time, and enjoyed the nesting phase. My six pack returned and my breasts remained perky.
I was in my late 20s when I gave birth to my second son, fully into a career, had a whole lot less free time, already raising a very active child, and didn’t allow myself to enjoy nesting time. He is four years old and my body has not (and very possibly will not) return to how it looked before pregnancy with him. My six pack is quite questionable and my breasts although small in size, now sag.
I have stretch marks on every part of my body that was literally STRETCHED during each pregnancy!

Life After Birth

This may sound a lot like your reality as well, so please believe that you’re not in this alone. I have definitely fallen into the abyss of mainstream media messages, and thought that if I forced myself into some extensive workout regimen and low carb diet, I’d miraculously lose weight, gain self-esteem, and become more beautiful. However, after each failed attempt, I found that I felt spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically worse than I had before I even started having children. In fact, it was my children, my boys, who taught (and continue to teach) me the very lesson I still struggle to internalize, “I’m perfectly fine just the way I am, and I’m loved unconditionally.”

During other times of vulnerability and insecurity about my body, my significant other quotes the comedian, Katt Williams, who talks about women with stretch marks, “Either you was big and got small, or you was small and got big – either way, I’m loving on you.”

And finally, I’m blessed to have other women of color who are mothers in my Sistah Circle that affirm my body and me. We share stories about how our hips, no matter the size, possess the cradle to bring forth life and how our stretch marks are love scars gifted to us by God as we carried and birthed future generations. We explain how our breasts have metaphorically nursed generations of kings and queens, Gods and Goddesses, and how each time we look into our children’s eyes, we are reminded of how amazing and miraculous we are as human beings because we can contribute such goodness and greatness to the world.

Loving the Skin I’m In

So the next time you look at your post-pregnancy body with disgust and disdain:

Challenge yourself to question the intention behind the thoughts. Then refocus and attempt to think of affirming and positive sayings or mantras to bring into awareness the true beauty you possess. This really works! Classic case of mind over matter.
Learn to listen to your body. Silence the thoughts in your mind when necessary and listen to your womb, your digestive tract, your shoulders, your back, and your feet – to name a few. All of these areas are in alignment with each other and can offer very real suggestions about what type of foods and exercises that work specifically for YOU to gain optimal health. I highly encourage you to work with healthcare practitioners to develop a plan designed to cater to your body’s needs.
Surround yourself with uplifting and encouraging women and mothers who can relate to your experiences and challenges, but who also are actively striving towards maintaining healthy and balanced lifestyles such as you.
Make time to connect with your children to do fun activities. My boys have me rollerblading, skate boarding, playing soccer, attempting to swim, wrestling, climbing monkey bars and many other extra-curricular goings-on. Much of these things I recall doing in my youth but gave up once I entered adulthood. You’ll spend quality time with your children, burn some calories, and admire their greatness in helping you become the woman and mother you are today.
Extend gratitude to all our foremothers through prayer, meditation, visualization, or other methods. They labored HARD for us to be in many of the positions we’re in now. I know that we still have quite a long way to go, but their contributions to the world and contemporary American society have afforded us the right to vote, to educational access opportunities, to quality healthcare and housing, and to make informed decisions about our bodies and how we’re portrayed.
Last but not least, be easy on yourself, honor your heart, and breathe.

To learn more about Sara Baartman:

Race and Erasure: Sara Baartman and Hendrick Cesars in Cape Town and London, Pamela Scully and Clifton Crais; Journal of British Studies , Vol. 47, No. 2 (April 2008), pp. 301-323

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About the Author:

W. KaNeesha Allen is the Motherhood Empowerment contributor for the Phoenix Rising Collective. She is an educator with extensive project management, student support services, and community outreach experience in K-12 and higher education institutions. She is also the mother of two extremely rambunctious and fun loving boys – Ausar and Mikah. Seeking to master the balance between being a highly engaged mother and taking time to BE with herself in the divine energy of the universe, KaNeesha finds peace, solace, and regeneration through meditation, Vinyasa yoga, and her “Sistah Circle”. She welcomes mothers from everywhere to join her on a journey of self-discovery and evolution towards harnessing, embodying, and emoting the Goddess power within.