The Phoenix Rising Collective

September 16, 2016
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It’s Love Yourself First! Friday: This Phoenix is Kadijah

Love Yourself First! Friday invites women to tell their LYFF stories to inspire and empower others to also fiercely demonstrate self-love in action. The questions are meant to shed light on various ways our featured Phoenixes are making self-care and intentional living a priority.

This week’s Phoenix is Kadijah:

How do you love yourself first? What does that mean to you?

I love myself first by being organized in my day-to-day activities. Once I am organized, I can consciously take into account setting aside some quiet time. It does not mean I need to leave the house, but it does mean up to two hours (at minimum) each week I will self-reflect. Getting up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning just so I can have a cup of coffee in silence. I reflect on my accomplishments thus far and what I would still like to achieve in my life.

As a single mother of two girls, finding those few moments for myself is not always easy, but it is necessary for my well-being. At times, when I need a bit of a boost I’ve placed notes on the bathroom mirror reminding myself I am just as worthy of receiving the love that I exude to my children and others on a daily basis. I build in time at least once a month to have fun with friends.

Loving myself means knowing my worth, understanding my limitations and pushing myself to move past them. Loving myself is having the confidence to keep fighting even when others doubt my abilities, proving to myself that I am a strong body, strong minded, and strong willed individual.

What actions demonstrate the self-care you provide to your mind, body and soul? (Exercise, healthy eating, spiritual practice, etc)

Self-reflection is key for my self-care, taking time to look at my life as it stands and having confidence that further greatness is to come. When feeling frustrated, I leave the house to jog for a while; I also like to find a good book that will allow me to escape from reality and find solitude in someone else’s story. Finally, I pray and have faith that God will only put in front of me the challenges that He knows I can get through.

Is there an obstacle or challenge that you’ve overcome that led to a deeper love for who you are?

I am currently 41 years old. Twenty-four of those years were spent with my now ex-husband dealing with various levels of mental, physical, and sexual abuse. For many of those years I lived on hope, the hope that our relationship would reach the level of love and respect that I craved. Not only did we never achieve that, it became more and more toxic over the years. Finally, I had to face the reality that I was not living, but just “surviving.” I put his needs and wants above mine. I forgot to love myself. Instead, I tried unsuccessfully to be the person that he wanted me to be in hopes that my life with him would improve. Two children and 24 years later, nothing was better. I did in fact, learn how to hide my unhappiness and bruising from everyone – including my family and friends.

I had a feeling of hopelessness, and I gave up thinking I could be anything other than the abused wife and mother of our children. When faced with so much violence, I became numb and emotionless. I ended up losing myself. I no longer knew my likes and dislikes. I went into survival mode just to save myself and my children from harm. I wanted out but didn’t know how to go about doing it. Finally, I gave up on the hope that things would improve with my husband and started the journey toward divorce. He knew he was no longer in control, so things exacerbated to a level that gave me no choice but to remove my children and I from his hold. It has been a long process, but one with many tears of joy instead of sadness. My husband is incarcerated for the abuse and we are now divorced.

My children and I have finally reached a point of happiness; happiness and freedom are feelings that I never thought I would obtain.

What have you learned from self-love?

Self-love has taught me to consistently evaluate what makes me happy, making sure the goals I have set for my life are truly my goals and not what is expected of me by others. Self-love is having a free body and mind to do whatever I want. No longer will I allow others to control my feelings and desires. Self-love is when I see the smiles on my children’s faces, confirming that I am finally loving myself and doing what is right for my family. When people ask me how I am doing, my response is “Living and loving life.”

Inspired by Kadijah’s powerful LYFF story? Well, let her know in the comments.

Do you want to share your self-love story? Send an email HERE. Just put “My LYFF Story” in the subject line of your email, and you’ll be contacted by the Phoenix Team with details on how to participate. Be sure to read some of our other inspiring stories.

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September 9, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 3 Comments

Acceptance is Healing and Absolutely Necessary for Personal Change

What experiences and/or circumstances do you need to accept so real, transformative change can occur in your life?

Your affirmation:

I accept______________________in my life and trust that all will be well. I give myself permission to let go.

Conscious acknowledgement of whatever it is, says that you’re ready to move forward; in fact, the affirmation is the start of your shift. If you need an example, let the shift in one season to another be your guide. It’s the end of summer; you can definitely feel a little bit of fall in the air and the pull to prepare for it. It’s all a part of the process of renewal.

Like nature, you cannot be stagnant, and this is where acceptance is crucial and absolutely necessary. Yes, it is difficult sometimes (I’ll be the first to admit I have a hard time in this area) but when you do, it brings healing, peace of mind and an opportunity to receive something new, something better, something you didn’t even know you needed. However, you cannot receive that “something” if you’re not willing to trust the process.

There’s a beautiful quote by Kris Carr that I refer to when I’m having difficulty accepting an experience or circumstance in my life: “When we truly embrace acceptance, that’s when our body exhales and can begin healing.” I’ll add that the mind and soul take a big sigh of relief, too. They, in unison, say, “Thank you.” So, take some time during this transition in seasons to really meditate on the question above and be intentional about the actions you’ll take to get there.

Accept, let go and make room for change. Remember, exhale. Be self-love in action.

Ayanna Jordan is founder of The Phoenix Rising Collective. She develops and facilitates women-centered workshops on how putting self-love into action can transform your life. Ayanna also creates coaching and training that supports women’s professional growth in leadership, entrepreneurship, and passion-filled work. As editor-in-chief of Phoenix Shine, she is happy to be working with contributing writers to provide resources and awareness on topics that cultivate self-love and acceptance. Right now, she is most inspired by the LYFF series and She Makes It Beautiful. You can learn more about Ayanna HERE.

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August 29, 2016
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How Do You Feel? Simple Ways to Manage Your Individual Experience + Gain Peace of Mind

First I want to ask…How are you doing? Don’t answer right away; take your time and check-in with your whole self. You can do this by connecting to all five senses. It’s a simple way to be present in the moment.

Your individual reflection is what I want to support you through, so keep reading.

Check in with your sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, and I must add your thoughts and feelings as well. Be honest with yourself so you can address the things that don’t feel good. This is not to fix anything but to acknowledge where you are on all levels.

I asked you to check in with you because I know in the past few weeks, we’ve heard, seen and read disturbing news: killings of unarmed black men by police, cops also being killed as a result, and the racial tension that has reemerged because of it. It can be challenging to balance what’s going on with life while our communities are suffering in more than one way. Although we are experiencing this as a community, the impact is also on an individual level.

It’s unfortunate that we are going through this again. However, this time around I feel a slight shift with how we as African Americans are responding. The #BlackLivesMatter Movement is at the forefront again responding by protesting for justice and equality. We’ve been motivated by call to actions, to buy and bank black. There are town hall meetings to spark dialogue for solutions. I feel a lot of us are committed to creating lasting change because enough is enough.

I’ve also realized there are two different ways we are experiencing what’s happening: group and individual experiences. For example, a group experience can be with other protesters or be a part of an organization. Then at some point, you are with yourself trying to process what’s happening.

Have you taken a pause and processed the state we are in as a country or community and the impact it has on you?

Your individual/personal experience is what I want to focus on because not all of us know how to manage this part of the process. How you feel through all of this should be acknowledged, honored and nurtured.

When traumatic situations happen whether it’s in your personal life or in the world, it can cause you to ask yourself some deep questions.

Why is this happening?
What can I do to make things better?
How can I be a part of the solution?
Can I even do anything to make the situation better?

I’ve asked myself the same questions and at times with no answers. I would usually continue to go on with life until we are faced with another tragedy and those questions come up again.

The stress of it all can trigger emotional extremes – either you become overwhelmed and more reactionary without careful thought or too numb to the point of not doing anything, even though you may want to.

I’ve processed my emotions by labeling them and gotten really clear on why I feel the way I feel.

I’m not here to judge how you are dealing but to be of service if you are struggling with how to respond. Personally, I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster but I’m in a more balanced space now.

I’ve been angry and hurt to my core because these acts are so ruthless and inhumane.
I’ve cried for the families who are suffering tremendous loss.
I’ve been frustrated that we are not respected as human beings, our plight is being dismissed because it’s not understood and there is a lack of compassion for our suffering.
I’ve definitely felt hopeless, like I can’t do anything to stop systemic racism or impact social justice.
I’ve felt overwhelmed because there’s so much work, undoing, and unlearning that has to be done.

Have you been able to label what you’ve been feeling and why?

Having a clear sense of what you are feeling creates a greater chance to manage your personal experiences and be in a healthier mental state.

I’m very grateful for the circle of friends I have. We communicate with one another and just hold space to say what we need to say without judgment. Even if we don’t have anything to say, that is okay as well. I am reminded that I don’t have to react or respond like everyone else. It’s a personal choice if I want to express how I feel publicly or privately.

One conclusion I’ve come to is I need to start with self and home because that’s where I have immediate control: (1) get clear about how I feel (hopeless) verses how I want to feel (empowered), (2) figure out where I stand with things, (3) how do I want to contribute to the cause of impacting social justice, and (4) how do I want to talk to my son about what’s happening. In addition, figure out how to be of service to other women and/or men in my own community.

Helpful Tips:

We often reevaluate and redefine what’s important after our reality has been impacted in such a negative way. Here are a few suggestions you can implement to respond and cope:

Practice self-care and disconnect for awhile so you can put things in perspective
Increase bonding with family and friends
Explore your sense of purpose and meaning
Explore your personal mission in life
Be of service to others; it can shift your focus for a bit

How can I help you?

What I’ve shared with you has been from my individual reflection, and I want to understand your individual experience as well. I’m creating a free resource to give basic guidance on how to manage what is showing mentally and emotionally. I would love to get your feedback so I can gain a better understanding of your needs.

I will be addressing emotional triggers, gaining clarity around how you want to feel, and strategies for mental and emotional shifts to help create peace of mind.

If you are interested in receiving this guide or providing feedback, please email me at monique@relationshipclaritycoaching.com.

About the Contributor

Monique Allison is a Relationship Clarity Coach. Her personal experience, observation, and insight gained over the years allows her to help women release unhealthy relationships and heal from broken ones in order to love again from a more self-loving and authentic space. She is also the mother of 10-year-old son, Pharaoh. Monique’s background/experience is in the nonprofit sector working for United Way of Metropolitan Atlanta (UWMA) for 13 years; holding the position as the Quality Assurance Manager. She has achieved a B.A. in Psychology from Clark Atlanta University, is AIRS Certified as an Information & Referral Specialist, attained a Creative Writer Certificate from Kennesaw State University. Monique has also taught life skills to young adults for two years. Learn more about Monique’s work helping women build healthy relationships HERE.

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August 26, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective Leave a comment

It’s Love Yourself First! Friday: Join the Collective

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! FRIDAY

Cultivating a Tribe of Women Who Unapologetically Love Themselves

Are you ready to share your self-love story? Well, Love Yourself First! Friday (LYFF) is your golden opportunity to do just that. It’s time to give yourself credit, pat yourself on the back, and offer yourself kudos for the strides you’re making to sustain a deeper, stronger love for who you are.

We often don’t realize that we are already – through our everyday, practical actions – providing ourselves with the care that fosters healthy esteem and ignites the will to keep moving forward. From taking 10 minutes to have a cup of tea/coffee to walking in the park for exercise to meditating and praying on a daily basis, these are all a part of giving ourselves the love we deserve.

So, share with us what self-love means to you and how you’re putting it into action!

This is how it works:

Send an email HERE or at info@phoenixrisingcollective.org. Put “My LYFF Story” in the subject line, and you’ll be contacted by the Phoenix Team with details on how to be a featured Phoenix.

Join the collective of women who’ve shared their stories! Let’s work together to cultivate a tribe of phenomenal women who fiercely and unapologetically love themselves.

And, for daily inspiration from our self-love sisters, follow us on Instagram.

August 12, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 1 Comment

It’s Love Yourself First! Friday: This Phoenix is Roxie

Love Yourself First! Friday (LYFF) is part of The PRC’s Shed Light series collection. We invite women to tell their LYFF stories to inspire and empower others to also fiercely demonstrate self-love in action. The questions are meant to “shed light” on various ways our featured Phoenixes are making self-care and intentional living a priority.

This week’s Phoenix is Roxie:

How do you love yourself first? What does that mean to you?

Above all, loving myself has always and will always be a journey and not a destination. It takes many shapes and forms and shifts with the fluidity of my identity and my daily life. Loving myself means actively working to create peace in the battlefield that is my body vs. the societal expectations of that body as a fat person, as a woman, as a person with a disability etc. Loving myself can mean being unapologetically vain, loud, strong, defiant or any other number of things that I am told that I cannot be. It means empowering myself and empowering others through whatever means necessary. It means engaging in activities that bring me peace and joy. It means decorating my body with whatever clothing, make-up, accessories, body hair, color, pattern, tattoos, piercings or lack thereof, that I choose for no other reason than it appeals to my aesthetic. Loving myself, truly loving myself, has been consistently making space for my truth to not only exist but to thrive and in those moments of truly loving myself, inspire others to do the same.

What actions demonstrate the self-care you provide to your mind, body and soul? (Exercise, healthy eating, spiritual practice, etc)

I would have to say that this journey began when I read a book called Fat!So? by Marilyn Wann. It was the first time in my life that I had ever considered that my body wasn’t disgusting, but that I could actually come to accept it, maybe even love it. It all seemed far too radical for a girl who had been in and out of recovery for a pretty severe eating disorder, but I was always radical in my defiance and decided to give it a shot. Self-love for me started with affirmations that grew more and more difficult. I began with things I already liked, “Roxie, you have beautiful eyes,” and moved up to the much more complex, “Roxie, you have beautiful thighs!” In a time when I hated myself, this was radical self-love. As I’ve grown, I understand self-love to mean caring for myself in ways that make me feel extraordinary, and I think these vary from person to person. I have always been really into fashion, and I mean hair, makeup, accessories, the total look. So I started dolling myself up for selfies and posting them online, which nourishes and embraces my femininity. In the last few years, I have worked on doing what is healthy for my body including weight lifting, endurance training, and eating a very healthy nutritionist-approved diet. Most importantly, I embraced my body and the word fat and incorporated it into my activism work. It’s really powerful for me as a fat woman to show up in spaces I’ve been told aren’t for me. I go to the gym and dance on the treadmill, I hang by the pool in my bikini, and I go to the mall in a crop top. I do all of these things knowing my own worth, beauty, and ownership of identity and hoping that we can change the societal expectations placed on women to look or exist in one certain way.

“I embraced my body and the word fat and incorporated it into my activism work.”

Now, being radical and out there as an activist can be as draining as it is invigorating. So, for me, self-care also has a calm and peaceful side. This connects me to the purest part of myself. Primarily, this is manifested through my spirituality which takes on two key roles: introspection and compassion. In order for me to experience continued growth, I engage in meditation/prayer, drumming, and dance. These activities turn my focus inward and upward. They provide spiritual nutrition and help to guide my compass. In order for me to feel accomplished in my sense of spiritual purpose, I live in active compassion. My mother used to say, “Blessing people makes me feel blessed.” I have found that this is so very true. I find joy in sending cards and gifts to friends, in greeting strangers, in comforting those around me, and in anonymous acts of love and sharing. I also care for others and myself by being a big old clown! I love to laugh, and not a little chuckle. I love to laugh until there are tears rolling down my face and I start laughing at how funny it is to laugh so hard. So, I commonly make jokes and perform with improv troupes. Caring for others, for me, is a form of self-care, and what better care exists in the world than laughter, love, and smiles.

Is there an obstacle or challenge that you’ve overcome that led to a deeper love for who you are?

Throughout my life, I have faced a lot of obstacles that affected my view of myself. From growing up in extreme poverty to struggling with a debilitating medical condition. However, when it comes to barriers to my own self-love, the strongest opponent I ever faced was the echoes of psychological and emotional abuse that I endured from family, peers, and partners. I was bullied for being different at a very early age. I was too large, too ginger, too loud, too eccentric, too much everything. I remember a distinct conversation that I had with my mother after a particularly bad day of bullying around grade 5. I was crying until I began to hyperventilate, and I asked her why this kept happening to me. She told me that she didn’t know, but it had to be something that I did otherwise the kids wouldn’t tease me everywhere we went. This one thought–that it was something I must be doing–haunted me for most of my life. In all honesty, on my lowest days it’s still the thought that creeps in. “Roxie, there is something wrong with you.”

Going into high school, this underlying fear kept me from engaging with most people. In college, it attracted me to the wrong person and I spent years in love with someone who regularly reminded me that I was “too much.” That relationship ultimately ended with the harshest words anyone ever said to me, “It shouldn’t be this hard to love someone.” At that moment, something changed in me. He was right, it shouldn’t be this hard to love someone, however, he was wrong about what needed changing. I needed to stop making it so hard to love myself. I needed to get out of my head and into my life.

With fear and trepidation, I stepped and misstepped into a new adventurous journey and into who I was and what I wanted out of life. I learned to stop apologizing for laughing “too loud.” I gave myself permission to not do my hair and makeup in order to earn the right to run to the grocery store. I told myself it’s okay to cry. I stopped being too much for myself, and eased into my enoughness. At the end of the day, I wasn’t the problem. I was never “too much.” I was just the right amount of sassy, bubbly, funky, groovy, silly, loveable, compassionate, and kind. I was the perfect blend of me to fill the one-of-a-kind lifetime role of Roxie. With that knowledge, existing wasn’t something hard at all, in fact sometimes it’s downright effortless.

What have you learned from self-love?

The most important thing that I have learned through self-care is that I don’t owe anybody anything. It’s so simple and yet so complex, but that’s the bottom line: As a human being I do not owe anybody anything. This empowers me for two reasons: 1) I no longer feel the obligation to be attractive, or the smartest person in the room, or to have the best house on the block. I’m not bound by those perceived societal expectations. 2) (The second reason is my favorite!) It makes everything I choose to do that much more special and loving. I choose to apply my make up because it feels smooth on my skin and I love to watch how all the colors dance and blend in the light. I choose my clothing based on what feels good and will bring me joy. I choose to be nurturing to my partner, not because I am feminine, but because I love him so much. When we take away all of the social clutter, and allow ourselves to exist, we have the choices to achieve true greatness. We become the people we are meant to be.

_______

Share your thoughts about Roxie’s courageous self-love story in the comments. And, to get more inspiration from Roxie, connect with her on Instagram @lilfoxieroxie.

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June 9, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 4 Comments

She Makes It Beautiful – An Interview with Ayanna Listenbee, Luxury Handbag Designer + Artist

She Makes It Beautiful (SMIB) encourages and inspires women to follow their entrepreneurial dreams by interviewing and sharing the phenomenal stories of women who’ve already taken that courageous leap and are successfully soaring.

Don’t forget! Download your free SMIB Bonus Worksheet below. Use them as your personal toolkit to help get that dream off the ground. All bonus materials complement the advice and tips given by each of the entrepreneurs.

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“When I’m creating I think I’m in my best place.”

This SMIB interview is with luxury handbag designer and artist, Ayanna Listenbee, owner of Ayanna Listenbee Collection and creator of The Lookbook Philosophy.

Ayanna is definitely a creative force to be reckoned with – a determined business woman with impeccable style and a strong will to fulfill her God-given purpose; it’s awe-inspiring. I hadn’t met her before this interview, but social media can most certainly be a positive space for connecting with like-minded women on a mission to do great things in the world through passion-filled work. This is most certainly the case with Ayanna, so by the time we finished the interview (which felt more like two friends catching up after a long hiatus) we both agreed that we should have been having our conversation over coffee…even though we live miles apart!

She most certainly embodies the meaning of her name, Beautiful Flower, and as you can see from her handbags, she’s an entrepreneur that creates from a soulful place that is in full bloom.

What sparked your interest to become a designer? How did you know this was the avenue you wanted to take?

I’ve always drawn. I’ve always made things and was creative as child. It was encouraged a lot by my father who painted sometimes in his spare time. He eventually became an art dealer. I never thought about pursuing it as a career. I never took it seriously as an option because I didn’t think it was something that could sustain me financially. You know, the funny thing is when I look back I never heard that from my parents; it was just something that I picked up along the way that if you’re in the arts you’re not going to make money. You’re going to be struggling. I can’t say that it’s been dollars falling from the sky since I started, but I went away to school and had many majors. I was a ballet major at one point – which didn’t last very long. I was also a graphic design major, communications, and then long story short, I ended up as an English major. I was about to graduate with a semester left and I thought, “This is not what I want to do. I’m not happy.”

I was in Atlanta at Clark-Atlanta University. They had a small fashion program, and I knew that’s what I wanted to do. The program was in the basement. I transferred to that program and it just took off from there. I finished out the semester, came home and went to school specifically for design, and that’s how it started.

Tell me about your handbags? What was the inspiration for designing handbags?

I started out in clothing, and I loved doing clothing, but it became very expensive for me because with clothing you have to have a size range and that means each pattern has to be graded for that size, and all of that costs money. I’d gotten laid off my job, and I knew this was what I wanted to do, but it was costing too much money.

I’ve always loved handbags since I was a little girl; I used to play with my mom’s bags and my aunts’ bags.

When I became pregnant with my first child, I thought, “I want to have a really cool diaper bag. I don’t want to carry a “mommy looking” diaper bag.” So, I designed this bag out of leather and had it made. I sourced all the materials; once I’d done that it just totally sparked, “This is it! This is what I want to do.” I’d made smaller clutch bags; they were fabric bags prior to this, so I was already on track, but once I got my hands on the leather, it was over!

EROS Day Bag, Ayanna Listenbee Collection

What was your process like getting started with your business?

The process was not necessarily a straight, clear path. I’m an introvert. I’m a true behind-the-scenes kind of person, so it’s been such an incredible journey for me – getting to know my strengths and weaknesses and who I am.

I was doing the handbags, and I’d met a woman who was in sales. We started talking and had some things in common, so I thought, “Oh my God, this is the answer to a prayer, because I don’t want to go knock on doors or go to stores to try to sell these bags on my own. I just want to make bags. It seemed great.

I didn’t follow my normal process of taking it to God first and praying about it. I just thought, “This feels good. She’s great. We both have kids, all these wonderful things in common.” She talked a good game! She ended up being not necessarily what she said she was; the partnership fell apart and she ended up trying to take the whole business from me.

I was young. I was naïve, and I just said, “I really don’t care about being in front of an audience, if you want to be the face of the line that’s fine. I just want to design. That’s all I want to do.” She was cool with that. So, I basically gave her half of my business. When I look back on that I know that it was out of fear. I didn’t think that I could get sales and do those things that were uncomfortable for me, so I learned a lot. Luckily, I was able to retain my business.

I asked Ayanna about navigating business in a society that often times only supports and empowers extroverts. There’s a great quote from her that definitely describes her attitude and perspective about this topic:

“I’m a happy introvert growing a business in an extroverted world of fashion.”

What would you say to others who are introverted? What are some tips for “getting yourself out there?”

It’s something that I have to push through every day. I do a lot of reading and researching, and everything says that you have to keep putting yourself out there. That is extremely tiring for me. For a period of time I’d made it a point to attend lots of events and meet people. I wanted to connect and be a part of the industry, and I needed to do that just for myself, but then I realized, “OK, I’m doing it, and it’s taking a lot of my energy, but I don’t know if this is really what I NEED to be doing.”

Everyone doesn’t have the same path. There is such a thing as a quiet leader. I don’t think that you have to be on stage with a megaphone shouting, “Everybody follow me, look at me.” I don’t think you have to do it that way, but I do see a lot of instruction on being heard and being seen. Yes, people do need to know you exist because if they don’t know you exist they can’t buy your product or service. I try to carve out a place for myself and my company that’s comfortable. I know that I can handle certain things now, and what I have to do, I do. However, I don’t live my life believing, “I gotta do it this way because that’s the way “this girl over here” is doing it.” It’s about finding what’s comfortable for you but not so comfortable that you never step out of your comfort zone.

Was there a pivotal moment when you recognized what you were doing would be successful?

I don’t know if I have an answer to that only because there’s always a point that I’m striving for and I don’t know if you ever reach that (or at least I haven’t yet reached a point that’s foremost in my mind). I don’t have a specific moment. However, the smaller moments are when someone purchases and they tell me they love their bag or love the quality. Any feedback I can get that’s positive from clients let’s me know, “Keep doing what you’re doing; you’re on the right path. You’re doing your thing!”

What do you love most about what you’re doing?

I love creating. I love coming up with new designs, sketching, and taking inspiration from daily life whether it be from nature or what I’m doing in my own life. When I’m creating I think I’m in my best place. It’s also the fact that I’m able to have my own business and my children are able to see that you can create the life you want to live. If it’s not out there you can make it. You can decide and picture the life that you want and create it. You really can. You just have to be diligent.

How do you maintain a healthy balance in your personal and professional life?

[Laughs] You might ask my husband that! Part of the thing about loving what you do, you can just do it all night long; if I’m at my desk and have my coffee and laptop, I can sit there for hours on end doing what I have to do. So, I find it hard to strike a balance. It comes out of necessity because once it’s time to go pick up the kids, I have to pick them up, but while I’m waiting for them in line, I’m usually on my phone or iPad. It just doesn’t stop because of the way technology is today. It’s hard for me. However, what I usually use as a measuring stick is my family. For example, if they come to me and ask a question I really try to put my phone down or stop what I’m doing completely and give them the full attention they need. In the past I would answer questions while looking at my screen, and it’s not fair, so when it comes to balance I just try to be better each day.

What do you do in those moments when you get frustrated with the process of entrepreneurship?

I have definitely come across periods when I’ve thought “I can’t do this anymore.” However, what stops me is not being afraid to step away for a minute and have quiet time. If there’s nothing pressing going on, for example, orders that need to go out, and things are not flowing at the moment, I use that time to connect even deeper with God. I go to Him and ask, “What do you want me to do?” I don’t want to fight an uphill battle unnecessarily.

I think women (or people in general) sometimes have a tendency to focus on what is not going right or what they’re not doing and overlook the milestones they have accomplished. Maybe they are small, but to whom? They’re still accomplishments; they’ve gotten you to where you are today. So, recognizing how far you’ve come, taking quiet moments, and being able to walk away for a moment to pray or listen to positive messages, that’s what has helped me to continue on the path.

What advice can you give to women seeking to fulfill their entrepreneurial dreams?

Decide and be clear about what it is you want to do. Once you know what you want to do then it’s easier to figure out what steps you need to take to get to that point.

Set up a support system. Family is good at first, but I think it’s so important to have other people who are entrepreneurs or who have started their own “something.” They are people you can talk to who know the journey of an entrepreneur and how it is. It can be very isolating, so you need to have people you can talk to about the day-to-day stuff. I didn’t necessarily have that and it was very isolating, so it’s very important.

—

Now, take a look at the free SMIB Bonus Worksheet that complements Ayanna’s interview.

Remember, you’re building your SMIB Entrepreneurial Toolkit! Didn’t get your bonus worksheets from the last few interviews? Well, go back, recap, and download it HERE.

Tell us what you think, Phoenix!

We want to hear about how you are inspired by Ayanna Listenbee, as well as your progress building your toolkit, so tell us in the comments below. You can also share a snapshot of how you used the SMIB bonus worksheets on Facebook and Instagram with the hashtag: #SMIB #thephoenixrisingcollective Tag: @thephoenixrisingcollective

Ayanna Jordan is founder and exective director of The Phoenix Rising Collective. She develops and facilitates women-centered workshops on how putting self-love into action can transform your life. Ayanna also creates coaching and training that supports women’s professional growth in leadership, entrepreneurship, and passion-filled work. As editor-in-chief of Phoenix Shine, she is happy to be working with contributing writers to provide resources and awareness on topics that cultivate self-love and acceptance. Right now, she is most inspired by the LYFF series and She Makes It Beautiful. You can learn more about Ayanna HERE.

May 27, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective Leave a comment

How To Give Yourself a Mid-Year Health Check

As mid-year rolls around there are more than likely a number of thoughts racing through your mind.

How much money have I saved so far?

Should I finally join that gym?

Where is this relationship going?

Maybe I should apply for that management position?

Self-inquiry is the key to self-mastery so you’re right on track with your questions and thoughts. However, now is the time to go even deeper with your self check-ins. To ensure that your life is going in a steadily positive direction you need to also put some laser focus on your overall health.

Don’t worry, performing a mid-year health check is free and painless.

Evaluating the state of your health should fall into three categories:

Physical
Mental
Spiritual

Focusing on all three allows you to look at your life holistically. True self-care is about seeing yourself as a whole being, not just certain areas of your life.

Ask and answer these series of questions to gain a snapshot of your health this summer. A solid rule of thumb is to record your answers on pen and paper or audio. That way you can go back and reference your answers at the end of the year to do another self check-in and compare notes on your progress.

Physically

What are my energy levels when I first wake up, mid-day, and at night?

If you are waking up feeling fatigued then you could be struggling with an adrenal imbalance. Or if you are sleepy around mid-day or early evening then that could be the effect of sugar crashes. Keep a food and energy journal to track patterns.

Am I eating consciously?

Think about your sugar intake, daily water consumption, and daily servings of fruits and vegetables. Make a commitment to be conscious about what you are putting in your body.

Am I taking supplements daily?

Supplements provide the nutrients that our bodies need that we don’t get from our meals.

Am I performing breast checks after my cycle ends?

Our breasts are more prone to reveal any abnormalities or lumps right after menstruation.

Am I exercising regularly?

Monitor how you feel after physical activity. Consider your recovery time and how your muscles feel after every workout.

Mentally

Am I suffering from mood swings?

If you are unsure, survey your child(ren), partner, and colleagues.

Am I pursuing expressive outlets for work-life balance?

Do you love cooking, photography, poetry, blogging or singing? Whatever delights your mind and spirit indulge in it often and with wild abandon.

Am I creating and maintaining healthy rituals?

You deserve to spoil yourself and to do it regularly. The possibilities for self-care in this area are endless. Everything from journaling, to massages, to solo date-nights, to splurging on a latte every Saturday morning, can be on-going rituals worth maintaining.

Am I saying NO more, so I can say YES more?

The powerhouse that is Shonda Rhimes literally wrote the book on this very same idea (see Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person). The No’s are just as powerful as the Yeses that you give out to yourself, loved ones, and outside commitments.

Spiritually

Am I practicing gratitude daily?

Studies show that doing so can increase your happiness, inner peace, and productivity.

Am I practicing mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a simple art. Consistently step outside yourself and view your behavior and thoughts. Are you always coming from a place of love? Posing this question daily will drastically increase your self-awareness and improve the energy that you give to the world.

Am I practicing forgiveness?

This is a practice that can lead to profound spiritual and emotional breakthroughs. Forgive yourself for your own shortcomings and forgive others who have disappointed you. Letting go of the pain that you have experienced through forgiveness opens up a pathway for receiving unconditional love from yourself and the environment around you.

These three core areas are the foundation for a systematic health check that honors your entire essence. Give it a shot this summer and watch your self-care go in new and healthy directions.

About the Contributor

CJ Childress is a nutrition, wellness, and health focused freelance writer. She is particularly interested in the intersection of organic nutrition, mental health, and holistic living, and how they can all work in concert to live a beautiful and balanced life. You can find her on Instagram. Check out CJ’s other Health + Wellness posts HERE.

May 25, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective Leave a comment

ARTIST FEATURE: Dancing as a Healer – An Interview with Emma Davis

Emma is daring. Emma is different. Emma is a dancer. Emma Emma Emma.

That is how I feel when I see her in motion. I feel like playing that one song you really like because of the rhythm or beat. When you want to dance, you hit play. When you want to feel, you hit play. When you want to be in the moment, you hit play.

I am purposely repetitious because the feature artist, Emma Davis, brings that sort of spirit to her environment. She brings a consistent hardworking ethic to this art form. She believes in offering up dance as a gift to the world. And what a gift it is – to dance over and over again until everyone dances with you. I have had the pleasure of watching young women dance with Emma in the Flint detention center. They watch how she and the music become one. In her dance workshop at the center, she is a facilitator and instructor. More importantly, though, she is an inspiration to the young women.

Emma explained that when she began community college roughly a decade ago she had no idea what she wanted to do. A year and a half later she transferred out and attended the school where her mother was pursuing her nursing degree – University of Michigan-Flint. Emma majored in English and Journalism and minored in Dance. At the time, dance was just a hobby, although she had been dancing since childhood. She started a student dance organization at the university. The dance troupe encompassed all styles of dancing. In her senior year she choreographed a show that was student-focused. Soon after, a friend who had been dancing for fewer years inspired her to pursue dance more seriously and professionally. She helped Emma realize her own potential.

I asked her, “What does dance do for you?” Her response was encompassing, “What is a world without dance? Dance is about relationships – the relationships you have with other people. Dance is that thing you can do without having anything to say. Dance speaks.”

Photo Credit: White Butterfly Studio

She explained that dance was a constant in her life, especially during rough times when watching her parents’ relationship. “My parents didn’t like each other.” They divorced when she was young and moved to different Michigan cities. While living between two homes, dance became her comfort. It carried her throughout primary and secondary school. She was considered an outcast. She talked about not fitting in and being discriminated against for being an artist, but this didn’t stop her from doing what she loved. She said, “Dance was my form of acceptance.”

Emma dreams of pursuing a Ph.D. in Performance Studies one day. She completed her Master of Arts in Liberal Studies with an emphasis on American Theatre. Her thesis is on one of her inspirations, Anna Halprin, a pioneer in the postmodern dance movement. She learned about Anna in 2012, the year she created her own dance group called “Flint Dance Collaborative.” This group during the summer of 2012 started performing on the sidewalk during a monthly community event in Flint, Michigan called Art Walk. Again, Emma was giving back to the community by showing people that dance was more than an art form. Her group explored both movement and cultural environment when they performed outdoors. Anna Halprin’s work was just as communal and inviting. Emma explained that this amazing woman of Jewish descent in the 1950s used dance as therapy. When working on her thesis, as well as creating an artistic space in Flint, she applied Anna’s philosophy specifically to the Riverbank Park, located in downtown Flint. At the time during the 1960s and 1970s there were movements to revitalize urban communities, in hopes to increase engagement in the neighborhoods. When I researched Halprin, I understood the link between these two women. Yes, Emma heals others through dance whenever she performs, teaches and simply shares this gift. But most of all, Emma looks within and heals herself through this art form. She is indeed a healer.

Emma is daring. Emma is different. Emma Davis, an inspiring dancer, is her name!

The Phoenix Rising Collective’s Artist Feature, curated by Traci Currie, interviews women artists who use their talents and creativity to fully express self-love, build self-esteem, and nurture their own authenticity while inspiring others. Creative expressions may range from performing to painting to writing to travel and everything in between. Our goal is to share how these empowered women cultivate agency, healing, and happiness through fulfilling their passion.

Traci Currie is a Communication and Visual Arts lecturer at University of Michigan-Flint, as well as a knit-crochet artist, writer, and spoken word performer. She has been a part of the art world for over 15 years as an art gallery board member; spoken word series organizer; performer, nationally and internationally; and published poet. She believes The PRC will help women reach their highest potential. “The Phoenix Rising Collective is about empowering women to take ownership of their lives, claim their identities and be the positive change they wish to see in the world they live.” Read her latest posts. You can learn more about Traci’s work in creative arts HERE.

May 19, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 4 Comments

It’s Love Yourself First! Friday: This Phoenix is Sheree

Love Yourself First! Friday (LYFF) is part of The PRC’s Shed Light series collection. We invite women to tell their LYFF stories to inspire and empower others to also fiercely demonstrate self-love in action. The questions are meant to “shed light” on various ways our featured Phoenixes are making self-care and intentional living a priority.

This week’s Phoenix is Sheree:

How do you love yourself first? What does that mean to you?

Loving myself is a practice, a daily practice, a moment by moment practice mixed with a lot of patience and self-compassion.

Loving myself is becoming more aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors and actions. Through this I am aware of the woman I am becoming. There is not an end product, no finished version of me to love. I am on a constant journey. Now, I’m on the right path of self-love and there’s no way I can get off. I am aware of the difference between self-hate and self-sabotage in comparison to self-love, and I don’t want to go back.

It’s telling myself that I am loved. It’s about getting out of my own way to allow the love that I hold within to flow through me, to flow through my heart, body, mind and soul for myself, for others, and for the world at large. It is about being open and vulnerable, and growing in strength by giving and receiving. It means not taking on anyone else’s hang-ups while at the same time dealing with my own.

Loving myself first does mean changing my narrative, changing the stories I have been telling myself and living by. I accept that within life, as I move forward attempting to become the best version of me, there will be difficulties and struggles. It will be messy and I won’t do things perfectly. Acknowledging my fears, mistakes, doubts and struggles, and sitting with them (not denying them) means loving myself enough as I am: the ‘good’, the ‘bad’ and the ‘ugly’. It means cutting myself some slack if I’m having a bad day. It’s about praising myself, as well as chastising myself, but still being able to believe in myself, always.

What actions demonstrate the self-care you provide to your mind, body and soul?

The mind is a powerful tool if we use it as such. It controls all that we do and don’t do. It affects our thinking, feelings, actions and behaviors. It doesn’t matter how much I want to do something: go for a run, eat healthily, go to a yoga class; if my mind isn’t into it, it ain’t happening.

It’s a constant practice and battle to keep my mind in the zone – focused and motivated. It gets tired, disheartened, distressed, and frustrated. My practice to ward against this happening too often is to meditate on the page. I call it my Morning Pages (thanks to Julia Cameron) or simply journaling. Every day I have to work out on the page. Each day I show up by writing out how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, dreaming, stressing. I’m connecting with myself on the deepest of levels or even shallowest of levels when I provide the time and space to have this daily inner conversation.

Journal Collage created by Sheree Angela Matthews

This writing practice is deepened by walking, running, wild swimming and eating consciously. But these other self-care practices go out the window when I’m disconnected from myself, when I haven’t been checking in with myself on a regular basis. The person I am becoming and how I present my being within the world is constantly changing. I’m inconsistent, so having the means to check in with myself keeps me sane.

Self-care for my soul comes through my creativity. Creativity is my jam. Whatever medium is calling me – pen on paper, keyboard, painting, collaging, knitting, dancing, singing, cooking – I need to make things, bring things into existence that were not here before I started the process. There’s a feeling as if something, some kind of energy is flowing through me when I create. I’m in the zone. I’m working intuitively. I’m creating and am at peace. I’m joyful.

This doesn’t happen every time I take the time to create, but I keep showing up in the hope that these feelings, this experience will happen again and again. It’s not about the end product; it’s the process. It’s the practice with patience, of course.

Is there an obstacle or challenge that you’ve overcome that led to a deeper love for who you are?

“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would spin open.” -Muriel Rukeyer

There comes a time in everybody’s life when the unspeakable happens. To say it hasn’t happened or won’t happen to you is a lie. You’re kidding yourself. Believe me.

In May 2015, the unspeakable happened to me. There was a public shaming. My whole world fell apart the day I was accused of being a plagiarist on Facebook by a ‘so-called’ friend and fellow poet. He wrote that he’d found whole scale “borrowings” from other writers’ words, phrases, and structures within my latest collection of poetry. He said that he was just doing his duty for the poetry community by bringing it to everyone’s attention. What followed was what I chose to call a public lynching of me as a writer, poet and person. This was the unspeakable that happened to me. But funny enough, I am speaking about it here, as well as writing a creative non-fiction book about this whole experience. Everything I knew, all I was, how I thought myself to be was taken from me in that public posting. I issued an apology regarding my unintentional mistakes and withdrew from the public realm. At one point, death looked a very promising course of action, but I had my family and some supportive friends who helped me.

Within the Chakra system there is a heart center called Anahata Chakra. In Sanskrit, Anahata means “Unstruck.” For me this speaks to the resilient nature of the human heart. I believe, wholeheartedly, that there is a place within my heart that is absolutely unbreakable.

This experience did break my heart, stopped me from loving, and shut me down and out. However, there was a minute part that kept pulsing, kept the light on for me. Maybe it was my belief in self, my self-love that got me through each day.

Each day has not been wasted. I have taken this experience as a wake-up call, a wake-up to explore and claim my authenticity. Afterwards, I had nothing. I couldn’t even look myself in the face at one point. But writing my book and starting to take photographs of myself have supported me in my climb up. I can’t say climb ‘back’, because who or what I am becoming, I do not know. I have never met this woman. I do know that love and self-love, first and foremost, are at the center of this journey.

What have you learned from self-love?

Self-love has to come from me. Obviously, right? But it is probably the hardest thing we try to do, have to do. It is difficult, because maybe we are not given the tools to love ourselves, so we struggle to practice it. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to please others, trying to make them like and love me. I thought this was the route to travel in order to develop self-love.

I’ve spent multiple lifetimes making others comfortable at the expense of making myself uncomfortable. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be accepted and validated. I wanted to be enough, good enough. In the process of pleasing others I’ve silenced myself. I put versions of me into storage, buried them away. I’ve censored myself because I haven’t loved or believed in myself enough to show up in the world as me. I’ve thought,”If I’m truly myself people won’t like or love me.” They’d see my ugliness and disown me. As things have transpired, I have been disowned when I least expected it. When I thought I was accepted. Now, I’ve got nothing to lose except myself. Out of fear I disowned myself, but not anymore.

This past year of reaching rock bottom meant I had nothing but myself to count on. It meant I had to go within, search within the shadows, within my darkness to find my light, to find me. And it’s source is love.

I’m not here to write ‘the happy ever after’, as that just happens in fairy tales. In real life, self-love doesn’t show up every day. It isn’t a constant. Some days I feel worthless, useless and such a failure.

Henry David Thoreau said, “There is no beginning too small.” This I do know.

Each new day is a beginning, so if I fail this day. I can begin again the next day. Simple.

I keep making small beginnings over and over again. In the process, I am learning to love myself more and more.

Self-love is a practice with massive heaps of patience and compassion, but it’s worth it. No. I’m worth it.

___

Share your thoughts about Sheree’s powerfully honest self-love story in the comments. And, to learn more about Sheree and Wild Soul Woman, follow her: IG – wildsoulwoman; FB – facebook.com/wildsoulwoman; Twitter – awildsoulwoman

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May 17, 2016
by The Phoenix Rising Collective 1 Comment

How To Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship

When in relationships a lot of us have fallen into that trap of self-sacrifice to the point of losing ourselves in our partner’s needs, desires and expectations. Truth be told, we are not always asked or coerced into giving up our individuality; we just behave according to what we believe we should do to make a relationship work.

I’m not blind to the fact that our lives will merge when we are in relationships. But what’s also true is when you get involved with someone, you are two individuals who are choosing to be together. And as a couple, you both should always have space and the right to maintain your individuality/independence.

When you’re single, it’s pretty easy to do what you want whenever you want. There’s no one to answer to or even consider. However, when you get into a relationship you get consumed with your partner’s way of life, especially in the attraction and infatuation phase. I get it because I did the same thing. You want to do everything together and go everywhere together, and you become absorbed by the relationship.

The crazy thing is, your individuality is probably what attracted him to you in the first place, yet you eventually lose that thing.

Do you believe it’s possible to maintain a strong commitment to balancing love for yourself while simultaneously being committed to your partner?

A simple tell-tale that you are losing or have lost yourself in your relationship is this:

You find yourself pulling away from friends.
You stop making use of your free time.
You’re not engaging in your usual activities anymore.
You’re neglecting your needs.
You are withdrawing from your world outside of your new partner.
And life becomes more about the relationship and less about you.

If this resonates with you, it’s time to take a moment to re-evaluate and ask yourself if this is what you really want when experiencing your relationship.

As a couple, you should have common interests and activities that you do together but it is equally healthy to have time apart to pursue friendships, work relationships, and personal interests.

So, what’s the solution? Having a strong sense of self (S.S.O.S), which is one of the primary components of having a healthy relationship.

When you don’t have a S.S.O.S it’s easier to get lost in your relationship and the result can lead to this:

You can become resentful of your partner for having his own life.
It gets boring because there’s nothing new happening since your lives are so merged together.
You are at risk of becoming co-dependent on your partner to make you happy.

Sometimes that merge of identity is forced onto couples, especially in the celebrity world. Think about the celebrity couples’ nicknames. For example, “Kimye” for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Brangelina for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. This is a new one for me “Billary” for Bill and Hillary Clinton. It may seem like all fun and games but I bet the blending of names trickles into the relationship and creates issues for some. We’ve heard of those couples who are referred to as such-and-such’s wife/husband and no longer referred to by their own names. It can be challenging for the relationship to withstand that shift in dynamic and it doesn’t last.

What I know for sure is this. It is absolutely possible to have a balance between having a strong commitment and love for yourself and simultaneously be as committed to your partner.

There are three married women that demonstrate this relationship dynamic I’m speaking of. Two of them are famous couples and the other I know personally. These ladies have a strong sense of self and boldly maintain their individuality yet they are still very committed to their marriage, love their husbands deeply and are very supportive of them as well.

Jada Pinkett-Smith, Michelle Obama and my friend Akilah Richards. I know you are familiar with the first two women. Take a minute and think about how they show up. Do you think they have a S.S.O.S?

I have a disclaimer. Having a strong sense of self does not make you exempt from experiences of emotional pain. But a person with a strong sense of self is better equipped to participate in a healthy relationship because they know how to respond and not react to challenges in their relationship.

Here are a few characteristics of people that demonstrate a S.S.O.S:

They take full responsibility for themselves by knowing how to manage their emotions. When they are experiencing discomfort they know specific things they can do that will help restore them to their natural balance. They don’t blame others; instead, they take personal responsibility.
They follow through on the commitment they make to themselves.
They feel okay with saying no because they’ve created boundaries for their personal safety and they uphold them without wavering. They value their time and energy. When someone requests their time they objectively look at the requests, make their own decisions, and set boundaries.
They believe in and practice self-preservation by sustaining personal interests, even if their partner or close friends are not a part of it. They don’t depend on another person’s involvement in order to engage in something that may interest them. They place equal importance on exploring themselves.
They make their own decisions about their life. They are open to receiving support, information, and advice, but they do not depend on reassurance and approval from others. They take full responsibility for their decisions.
They are authentic, and being “real” is very important to them. They are not afraid to go against the “norms” that society has created.
They embrace personal leadership. They don’t get caught up in the hype of trends to the point of losing themselves. They only indulge if it makes sense to them.
They don’t depend on other people’s words to define who you are.

Losing yourself usually happens over time as you surrender your own desires and needs for the sake of the relationship. The longer this goes on the greater the imbalance and the more difficult it is to fix. You cannot expect the other person to be aware that you are losing yourself; therefore, it’s up to you to catch yourself.

Here are some suggestions on how to maintain a strong sense of self while in a relationship or even before you enter one:

Make time for self. Have a schedule and stick to it. Save your personal time for after you’ve handled your business. Take care of yourself first. If your partner respects you, he will be supportive of you handling your business.
Keep your routine – Although your routine will have to change in some ways to welcome the person into your life, make sure that you aren’t ditching the important things. If you don’t have one, develop one.
Stick with your personal activities. If your partner enjoys them bring him along, if they don’t then continue to engage in them and encourage him to engage in his own interests. Maintaining independence is important for both parties involved.
Maintain your personal relationships: Take some time to schedule in a catch-up with your friends and family.
Have a strong understanding of who you are and what you stand for before you set out to be in a relationship and even while you’re involved in one.

Knowing and being who you are is part of your personal power, don’t give that power to someone else. It’s all about finding a balance between time together and time apart, which is very possible.

Here’s a new perspective to take on this subject: You want your partner to be with you for who you truly are as an individual as much as for who you are as a couple. So, don’t disappear as an individual. Still be you!